Keep Your Marriage & Ministry From Coming Un-Glued
Today I want to give you some fireproof insights on how to fufill your call in Ministry while keeping the peace at home. A lot of people in ministry stumble into the pitfall of spending hours on end completing ministry obligations while neglecting a loving spouse and children at home. Many make the mistake of justifing this by saying “Well I’m doing the Lord’s work so it’s ok.” The truth is, true ministry starts at home.
Here are seven ways to balance a successful marriage and successful ministry at the same time. First, spend time with God each and every day. Second, make and take a day off. Third, designate a date night. Make sure you date your mate! Fourth, If you have to schedule sex, so be it. We have a doctor friend at our church that says, “Don’t call me after 1pm on Friday, wink wink!” If you’re too busy for sex than you are way too busy! Fifth, schedule family vacations and family days. Sixth, see your family as your Ministry Team serving God together. Seventh, when things are broken at home fix them immediately. If it doesn’t work at home then don’t export it. The condition of your marriage and family is just as much a part of your ministry assignment as leading the worship team or the children’s ministry. Keeping your balance can make or break both your marriage and your ministry! The juggling act of M & M is a difficult thing to do, trust me I know! In this blog I wanted to give you a quick reference guide to navigate with. However if you’re looking for your marriage to thrive and not just survive, you might want to check out our book “Glue Sticking Power for Lifelong Marriages.” This book is an instruction manual on marriage filled with funny stories, amazing insights, and practical instruction from my wife Patti and I. Check out our Glue website at www.glue4marriages.net/ ~ Think About It! Pastor Paul (The Glue Guy)
“Wonderful Words”
Proverbs 18:20 says, “Words satisfy the mind as much as fruit does the stomach; good talk is as gratifying as a good harvest.“
When is the last time you really complimented your spouse publically or privately? All too often we compliment our friends, our co-workers and even a waiter or waitress at a restaurant more frequently than our husband or wife! As a young married man I made some major mistakes in regard to my public praise of Patti. I would privately praise her; but from time to time, publicly, I had a bad habit of making Patti the punch line of my jokes. I am shamed to admit, but that kind of behavior was not a great marriage builder! Psychologists tell us that it takes four positive statements to offset one negative statement and a healthy marriage will need to have seven positive comments to one negative comment. Often in marriage we do not have the proper ratio of positive to negative statements. Think about what your ratio is and keep track of the positive and negative statements that you make to and about your spouse. A one-to-four ratio is just simply maintaining your marriage and when you have less than four-to-one you are undermining your marriage. Husbands, our wives are a mirror of our treatment towards them. My wife is a reflection of how I’ve treated her physically, mentally, AND verbally. Speaking praise-filled to each other will keep our marriages and our families strong. Think about it! ~ Paul Endrei
Forgive
Unforgiveness can be a cancer in marriage if we don’t learn to forgive and forget. When we let unforgiveness creep into our hearts, it spreads and eventually will kill our relationship. Did you even know that unforgiveness not only affects our mental and emotional well-being, but also our physical health? According to Lewis and Adler of Newsweek, research on unforgiveness shows that holding a grudge can lead to “increased blood pressure and hormonal changes — linked to cardiovascular disease, immune suppression and, possibly, impaired neurological function and memory.” While letting go of our hurts can be difficult – especially when it’s justified and our spouse has hurt us – it is necessary for us to forgive others. Our Lord says to “forgive one another as God forgave us.” When we don’t forgive, we are actually sending a message to our spouse that we don’t value our relationship with them. It should not be easier to discard our relationship than to make an effort to restore it by letting forgiveness flow between us.
Another reason we harbor unforgiveness is because we use it as a shield to protect ourselves. We don’t want to be hurt again, so we keep unforgiveness up as our shield. The sad part is that we don’t realize that when we do that we keep God out and let Satan in. Satan loves unforgiveness in marriages. It actually gives him a legal right to build a stronghold on top of the unforgiveness in our hearts! And believe me, he will set up his tower of unforgiveness quickly! Every unforgiven offense is an opportunity for Satan to keep us in bondage with our bitterness, anger, and hurt. When we don’t forgive, our prayers go unanswered, our hearts grow dark , and our spirits become cold. This will shut us off from receiving forgiveness from God for ourselves!
Pride is another reason we don’t forgive. We don’t feel our spouse is “worthy” to receive our forgiveness. Well guess what? In God’s eyes we aren’t any better than the one who offended us! Ouch! The only person unforgiveness hurts is ultimately ourselves! God is in the forgiveness business, and He desperately wants us to reconcile ourselves to Him and then also to each other! Don’t let unforgiveness set up camp in your marriage! Forgive one another as Christ forgave you!
Let God be the “Super-Glue” for your Marriage – Forgive and Forget! ~ Pastor Paul & Patti
Be Her Superhero!
Our youngest son, Gideon, used to dress up as a different superhero everyday. He would always eagerly fight off the villians around the house on behalf of his mother. We all need a Superhero to step in and make things right when we are having a bad day. It is especially important for husbands to learn to be their wife’s Superhero! Here are six things you can do to rescue her and be a superhero husband:
- Take her and/or the whole family out to dinner when she has had a particularly rough day. Give your wife a break from having to worry about or answer the daily question, “what’s for dinner?”
- Take the kids out of the house! Most of time moms are the primary caretakers of the children. Give your wife time alone to go shopping or just be at home without the kids.
- Take your wife out shopping, to a movie or out to dinner alone. I am a big fan of date nights because they give us one on one time with our spouses.
- Listen to her! Sometimes men try to immediately solve problems and “fix” everything. Your wife wants you to just listen, not try to fix all her problems. She wants you to listen to what she experienced and how she felt.
- Help out when company is over! It’s so easy to let our wives be responsible for entertaining and preparing everything. Show you appreciate her by helping her with the clean-up even after everyone’s left and no one is watching you!
- Go out and get her a small gift that shows you care and know her better than anyone else. Whether it’s her favorite latte, ice cream, snack item or a foot rub it will show that you know she needs some “TLC.”
The Bible says that a friend loves at ALL times (Proverbs 17:17). We should be the best friend ever to our wives by being her Superhero and saving her day – not ours!
Think about it! ~ Paul Endrei
Cheering to Victory!
This Sunday Patti will be speaking at Church on the Rise and I will be cheering her on from the front row. Wow! I can’t wait to hear what God says through her. It’s usually her cheering me on, so I’m excited to be able to reciprocate. So often in married life we beome our spouse’s critic instead of cheerleader. We want to tell them all the things they need to improve on and write a review like a critical news columnist reviewing the latest Broadway play. There’s nothing wrong with receiving and giving constructive criticism from time to time to help us improve ourselves. It’s when we don’t balance it with a few cheers from the sidelines that we become our spouse’s “Louse.” We need to applaud each others’ accomplishments and always be looking for the positive and good in each other. Encourage means to “cheer, inspire, boost, invigorate, do the heart good.” Wow! Who wouldn’t want to be around someone who does that for them? When we make sure that we are our spouse’s #1 Cheerleader, we have a recipe for marital success!
I Thessalonians 5:11 says, “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up.” Shouldn’t we do that for our spouses and children first, and then for others? Being your spouse’s #1 Cheerleader will make your marriage stronger than ever, and when we have strong husband and wife teams, we have strong families. Go Team! ~ Paul Endrei
Sucker Punch
Have you ever gotten hit in the stomach when you weren’t expecting it at all? Ouch! It hurts! That’s what’s called a “Sucker Punch.” In relationships we have to be careful not to throw a “sucker punch” at those closest to us. It’s one thing to confront someone, another to punch them in the gut with words or actions that hurt. We will have “intense fellowship” from time to time — especially in our marriages, but it’s important to remember that we need to fight for the relationship and fight fairly. What does it mean to “Fight Fair?” To fight fair means to recognize that we do have differences and we will not all agree on everything all the time, but that we communicate in a way that brings about reconciliation and restores harmony to our relationships. Here are six rules to “Fighting Fair” that we practice in our marriage:
1. Don’t be Silent! No one is a mind reader. When we face our struggles we become closer and more intimate. But if we don’t communicate we will grow further apart.
2. Be Fair! Don’t take a ’sucker punch’ with words or actions. It’s not a competition, there aren’t winners and losers in successful marriage relationships. God looks at the marriage relationship as “one,” so remember you’re on the same team!
3. Be a Peace Maker, Not a Peace Taker! Yelling, foul language and having an argumentative spirit will surely disturb the peace in your home! Anger is a cancer that will eat away at us if we let it. Seek to live in peace and don’t make an issue out of everything that may bother you. It’s unhealthy for you and your spouse!
4. Don’t Involve Other People! It’s easy to spill our guts and talk negatively about our spouse to our friends, coworkers and even sometimes our other family members when we are upset with them. Long after you and your spouse have reconciled, the other person you “dumped” on will be remembering the issues.
5. Don’t Be Historical! Having a laundry list of every thing that your spouse ever did or said that aggravated you and rehearsing through it every time you get mad at them is not healthy. Talk about the issue at hand not about what happened two years ago.
6. Don’t Find Fault in One Another! We all have faults. When we focus on them, we magnify them. Make a list of the things your spouse does right and compliment them about those things.
Romans 14:19 says “So let’s agree to use all our energy in getting along with each other. Help others with encouraging words; don’t drag them down by finding fault.”
We can, with God’s help have great marriages and relationships with one another when we follow Christ’s example and walk together in LOVE!
No Sucker Punches!
Paul & Patti
More than a Feeling – Loyalty versus Covenant
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Do the words Loyalty and Covenant mean the same thing? Not necessarily. Loyalty is more about a feeling that causes us to have an attachment to something, while a covenant is a binding agreement. That says to me that a covenant is much ”More than a Feeling.” Recently, at our annual Glue Marriage Conference we were asked to pick the title of a hit song that described our marriage. I picked “More than a Feeling” by Boston. Why? Not because it was the only pop song I could remember, or was trying to impress Patti, but because we have learned that being married requires “More than a Feeling!”
Being married is more than just being “loyal” to each other. We are loyal to a certain brand of a product, we’re loyal customers of a restaurant and of course, loyal to our favorite sports team. All until something doesn’t go right with them. After a few loosing seasons, even the most loyal fan wants the manager fired and will stop buying tickets to all the games. After a few bad meals at a restaurant a loyal patron will not only send their meal back, they’ll stop coming there to eat! But if you had a covenant with the team, or a covenant with the restaurant that would change things wouldn’t it? What am I saying? I’m saying that marriage is a covenant issue not just a loyalty issue. Today we don’t hear much about covenants. In a world where the average marriage lasts 6.2 years, there isn’t much talk about covenants. When you get married you are making a covenant to that person for life. Not just until things don’t go your way.
Did you know that in the Old Testament Hebrew culture even friends took a “Covenant of Friendship?” They pledged three things: 1. Loyalty for Life, 2. Protection unto Death, and 3. Provision unto the exhaustion of personal resources. Wow! Some of us don’t even do that for our spouses!! We need to base our relationship with our spouses on the Covenant of Friendship. To have a great marriage, I believe it has to begin with a covenant of friendship and continue as we grow together as partners for life. It’s not just about being loyal for a season, it’s about moving beyond the feeling and keeping the pledge (covenant) even when we don’t feel like it! Think about it! ~ Paul Endrei
If you or someone you know if struggling in your relationships or marriage, you can purchase our teaching products at www.glue4marriages.net.
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Be A Marriage Missionary!
GLUE MARRIAGE CONFERENCE: MARCH 27 & 28, 2009
CHURCH ON THE RISE in WESTLAKE, Ohio
Well, it’s the last few days before our annual Glue Marriage Conference. Why do we put so much emphasis on attending a Marriage Conference? We put in a fire alarm in our homes, we go to the dentist to get our teeth cleaned to prevent decay and we eat right to prevent disease. So why don’t we spend time and money and prevent divorces from being the “norm”? I have a plaque in my bathroom that says, “Love is Grand, but Divorce is a Hundred Grand!” Did you know that the divorce rate is just as high for “Christians” as it is for non-christians? Barna Group reports that about 11% of the adult population is currently divorced and 25% have had at least one divorce in their lifetime. Don’t wait until you are in a marital mess to attend a marriage conference or until your friends and family members are in one. We are currently offering 1/2 price registrations for the conference to those who are currently unemployed. We are also offering 1/2 price registrations for friends and family members who have never attended a conference. In addition childcare is free and the registration price includes dinner on Friday and a continental breakfast on Saturday! What a Deal! Be A Marriage Missionary and bring a couple with you to the conference!
They’ll be glad you took the time to be a Marriage Missionary!
Paul & Patti
FOR MORE DETAILS CALL 440.808.0200 or www.churchontherise.net
Click here to check out our latest Glue Video Interview: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KpJcqYw2lqc
Communicate for Life!
Great communication is the lifeblood of every relationship! In marriage it is a life and death matter. Your ability to communicate well and be emotionally connected will ultimately affect your physical relationship. Great communication begins with an understanding of the five languages of love: gift giving, words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, and quality time. The problem is that all too often we communicate to others the way WE want to be loved. So for instance, our spouse may be doing kind things for us, like starting our car so it’s warm, or giving us a lovely gift and if we are “quality time” people, (meaning that’s our love language) all we will want is for them to DO something WITH us not for us. All too often we don’t take the time to realize that our spouse is different from us and may not be speaking the exact same love language. Learning to speak our spouse’s love language will greatly help us in our relationship.
Great communication also needs to be from our hearts. Communication means to “exchange.” We need to exchange what’s truly in our heart and be honest about what we are feeling and thinking. Communication needs to be Consistent. If we don’t regularly communicate our relationships will fall apart. Plan time to communicate. Go out on a date, get away from noise and distraction and talk! Communicate with words that bring life to each other and look for the positive and good in one another.
In our Glue marriage book we have several chapters on communication and the importance of it in your marriage. Check it out at www.glue4marriages.net
Paul & Patti
Make a Deposit into Your Marriage!
Paul & Patti
Being happily married isn’t easy - it takes alot of work, but it’s worth it. At our Midweek Connection service, I taught on making deposits in your marriage – both husbands and wives. If I continuously go to my bank and only make withdrawals I will quickly come to the point of not being able to make any more withdrawals, right? The same is true in our marriages. We can’t just think that because we are married it’s all about what we can get from our spouses. (AND I’M NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT SEX GUYS). Relationships can’t be one sided – we both have to be willing to give to one another. How can you make a deposit in your marriage? There are many ways, one being to ”Date Your Mate.” Make a regular date night for just the two of you to go out – alone. No one else and spend time together. You don’t have to spend alot of money – the point is do something you both enjoy. As a husband and wife we need to be willing to put effort into our marriage relationship. It’s sad to say, but often we’ll treat a stranger better than we do our spouse. Another way is to ask your spouse what you can do to make a “deposit” into your relationship. For some it’s touch, some it’s time, others it may be an act of service, words of affirmation or a combination of several things. You know the hardest part of what I do is living out and putting into practice what I preach! Because….if I don’t, Patti will remind me! We spend time and effort on so many things in life, Why not the one relationship that’s supposed to be for life? MARRIAGE! Think about it! ~ Paul
